In this episode, we have a candid conversation with my (Nick's) mom about her perspective on how things went down when I was growing up around the cult. She shares her own troubled childhood history filled with abuse and trauma, revealing the reasons behind her actions at the time.
We explore how my mom found solace and answers within the church, even though she witnessed its troubles with leadership. She reveals her issue with food addiction, and how she turned to food to satiate her fear and depression. She openly admits her struggles with self-belief, faith, and the influence of external voices that led her astray.
[00:02:30] "Unmasking Our True Selves: A Journey into Authenticity"
[00:10:45] "Revisiting My Upbringing: A New Perspective on Parenting"
[00:22:15] "The Power of Forgiveness: A Personal Revelation"
[00:35:00] "From Fear to Growth: My Mom's Tumultuous Journey"
[00:50:00] "Understanding and Empathy: The Cornerstones of Our Relationship
Thanks for joining us on this journey. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to rate, follow, and review the podcast. Let's keep the conversation going.
In this episode, we have a candid conversation with my (Nick's) mom about her perspective on how things went down when I was growing up around the cult. She shares her own troubled childhood history filled with abuse and trauma, revealing the reasons behind her actions at the time.
We explore how my mom found solace and answers within the church, even though she witnessed its troubles with leadership. She reveals her issue with food addiction, and how she turned to food to satiate her fear and depression. She openly admits her struggles with self-belief, faith, and the influence of external voices that led her astray.
[00:02:30] "Unmasking Our True Selves: A Journey into Authenticity"
[00:10:45] "Revisiting My Upbringing: A New Perspective on Parenting"
[00:22:15] "The Power of Forgiveness: A Personal Revelation"
[00:35:00] "From Fear to Growth: My Mom's Tumultuous Journey"
[00:50:00] "Understanding and Empathy: The Cornerstones of Our Relationship
Thanks for joining us on this journey. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to rate, follow, and review the podcast. Let's keep the conversation going.
Nick 00:05
We unintentionally gave. Over time we we let ourselves down. We didn't teach or respect the struggle. Our value disappeared over time replaced with masks disguised as truth. I mean, our words became empty and our presence became obsolete. Now we face our biggest struggle, and it's time to rip the masks off. More than ever, it's time to return to our true selves, our real identity, it's time to be fucking offensive. Nancy, here we are.
Nancy 00:46
Welcome back.
Nick 00:48
We've been back we'd tell everybody else. Welcome back. So this is going to be interesting, because we talked about we've had a couple episodes where we've sort of aired out a little bit about who we are than we did a couple of shorts, and we wanted you guys on our little adventure. And we have a guest today, actually, yes. Exciting. Oh, we talked a little bit about how I was growing up, we didn't get deep deep into it. But enough so you guys sort of have an idea. But was funny because as when I was growing up, my mom used to say one thing, amongst others. But this was one thing that stood out for me one of the most was that. And it always seemed like an excuse to me of how I was raised sort of to get herself off the hook. But that's obviously now what I've learned, not how it is coming from the issue we've had with our own son,
Nancy 01:43
too, then that's how you seen it. Maybe how she Yeah,
Nick 01:47
but when it's happening to you, it doesn't matter. You still feel like a victim or whatever. Obviously, we never think that we're quite the victims. But still you get those feelings. And the one thing she used to say would be like, you kids didn't come with a manual.
Nancy 02:00
Manual, what manual?
Nick 02:02
It was like, what what do you think's going to happen? Like, you're gonna have this piece of paper pop out of your crotch with your kid or, like a batch? What what I'm just saying that's what it is, right? The pop out and all of a sudden, oh, there's a book right in there, too. Let's pull that out and deal with something like, right but I mean, that's that's a fact. But the reality is, that would fucking pissed me off. It would piss me off. Because I'd be like, What do you mean, I wasn't born with a manual. Of course, I wasn't born with a manual that's just is your mom. It's like human, you're a human being? Why would you treat somebody that way or whatever. But going through what we've gone through with our son, fuck, he could say the same thing to us. Like, I never said to him, you weren't born with a manual because I sort of in my time took responsibility for what I've done, or for what we've done, which we still think is, I don't know, I don't want to say it's nothing, because obviously, he's going through something, but we're not going to discount his thoughts and his feelings. But anyway, we do the best we can with what we have at the time we're doing it. And whether that's being abusive. I'm not discounting abuse in any relationship or with parents. I'm just saying that. Aside from that, we all as human beings go through something in our lives. And at the time, I believe, for the most part, we do the best we can with what we have. There are monsters don't get me wrong. They're a complete fucking assholes. Don't get me wrong. But I don't think that that is the idea behind people, or the thought process that they have is they're doing something right, I think. Well, and I think right now, desperation causes I mean, there's there's a lot of fat talking about your mom
Nancy 03:41
and you so I think yeah, with that being said, I think you guys now have a friendship.
Nick 03:49
Right? And it's good. You said friendship. I think a lot of it has to do with people think, oh, fuck, Nick, you know, how do you even have a relationship or any kind of relationship with your mom after what happened? And I think a big part of that is forgiveness. Now I know that even more so I forgave my mom a long time ago. There was obviously some deeper shit that was still going on. But I forgave her a long time ago, but when this should happen with our son, I was like, Holy fuck, like, that's it. Now. You go through things because you have to, but now I'm like, holy shit. Like, this is some real shit. With that being said, yeah, the person we have today with us is actually my mom. How do you? Hey, howdy. So I just want to say that I call her by her middle name. I always do that. That's how it's always been. And some people say, well, that's maybe a little less personal or whatever, but it's okay. I mean, that's, that's our relationship. And that's right. I mean, yeah,
Nick's Mom 04:54
yeah, actually, I really like it. I mean, I used to hate my middle name. And then I learned what it meant. And I changed the way that I that I thought. And so I appreciate you calling him
Nick 05:10
See, I knew that I never knew that it was just easier for me to say her middle name than anything. Alright, cool. So see, you don't even know, sometimes that you're you're doing more good than then you think so?
Nancy 05:23
Wow. That's the point of this episode bringing your mind. Right. Yeah, the point.
Nick 05:27
And just letting people know that we're going to talk and it may get a little uncomfortable. Maybe I don't I hope not. We're going to do this tastefully, I say tastefully? This is not, I'm not doing it to condone anything, or to be easy on anybody. After a while, you just got to let shit go. And I think Well, I
Nancy 05:48
think it's listening to her side of the story. While you were young. I mean, you had your side. And she did things for a reason. So it'd be interesting for our listeners out there to really listen to another side or another perspective to your, your site, Janet?
06:06
Well, the thing that I'm that I'm getting from this is there's a lot of dark themes from the very beginning of my life and what all I went through, and I'm not using, by any means I want all of you to know that I'm using it as an excuse. I have spent many nights weeping and asking for forgiveness and going through a process of looking at myself and my heart and my responsibility. And know what I did and what I could have done differently. There was one point where I was in Arizona, and I was in a library. And I got a book and I opened the book. And it was about relationships and building relationships. The only thing that I got out of that I didn't read the whole book, and I quit and but there was one sentence in the book that said, you cannot undo any of your past, there is nothing that you can do about it. But you can build, rebuild trust and rebuild relationships. And I think I've spent so many years trying to and it's been a journey, trying to rebuild trust, and have my children see me in a different light. Then what I was, and that's been a journey, a painful journey for both of them, not only for Nikki, and Nancy, because I remember one time I said, Nancy, I said, Are you hope that we can build rebuild our friendship, to back to what it was? And she said, No. And I was like, Okay, I understand that I have to, I have to accept that. Because the
Nick 08:09
time writing something in a different way at the moment, that doesn't mean that we grow that things don't change. That's the whole idea behind acceptance. That's the whole idea behind forgiveness. And it's just as a human being that we're going to have, we're going to go through things and at that point, we're going to feel a certain way. And then something else is going to happen. And we're going to wind up seeing it a different way. That's that's part of growth. And that's part of moving forward.
Nancy 08:36
I think my relationship with you now, Janet is totally different than my relationship was. It's not worse, or it's not better. It's the relationship now. It's great. Yeah. So comfortable. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Like I walked into the room. Again, no, sometimes
Nick 08:51
wasn't
Nancy 08:54
really different. I know. It's a totally different relation. Yes, yeah. And it's okay. And I think that's the point of all of
Nick 09:00
this, we get our lessons from all kinds of areas in our lives. It could be from a book, it could be from an experience, it could be something you see, it could be something you hear, wherever it comes from, if it hits you it hits you. And I think that that's awesome. Sort of what I'm interested in, obviously, is give us a little background. And these are things I'm asking questions just so everybody knows. I know a bit of where my mom came from. I don't know the whole story. We don't have 50 years worth of time to go through the whole story. But just sort of to get inside of where you came from rights. You were raised. You know, obviously your mom and dad and your your brothers and your sister. You were the youngest. And aside from that, I mean, I know a little bit about maybe your dad might have been a little bit of an alcohol abuser. Yes. So we all have a story right? So where did that start for you?
09:58
Well One of the big issues for me, I was the youngest. My dad loved me, I was like his little jewel. But after my mom and dad divorce, I was shifted back and forth from Florida, Illinois, Florida, Illinois, I had a lot of things going on. I mean, I had a brother, I lived with my oldest brother, because my dad was around and my mom, she worked two and three jobs. And I was just left to myself basically, or my sister who had some painful things going on between the dad, and her. And here I am the little princess. And she really, she really did not love me very much and beat me regularly. And I just there was a spiral I didn't have really in being such the, the little princess with my dad, I still did not have good self esteem at all. And I remember when my first husband asked me, I was 17. And he asked me to marry. So when
Nick 11:17
you say your first husband, you mean my dad? Yes. Okay.
11:21
And
Nancy 11:23
she's just someone else.
Nick 11:24
I'm like, first husband? What the fuck you talking about first husband? Like, where was I? Okay, all right.
11:31
Yeah. And I remember backed up a little bit. When I was two, my dad, my dad beat my mother almost to death. In one of his episodes, when my was my birthday turned over the table. And because he was drunken my brother holding a shotgun on him and telling him you're not going to ever come back. So there was
Nick 11:51
there was definitely some dysfunction there. Big time just to look. And you know, it's funny how you remember this even now, right? But I'm sure if we asked grandma, if she was still here, how that went down. I'm sure she would have a different story. You know what I'm saying? Have an idea of how that went down. Right? It's the difference between the person who's actually having it done to them and the person who's actually doing it. And I think that that's a big thing. Not not that what you're saying is is didn't happen. I'm just saying that. As it's happening, the person is not seeing it the same way as they're doing it to you. I think sometimes
Nancy 12:31
Yeah, yeah.
12:33
Anyway, the thought that came into my mind immediately after he asked me to marry him, was, I better accept his proposal, because who will ever love me? And that's 17 at 17. That's pretty fun. And the thing was, was that I was very popular, which is still fun. But I still thought that
Nick 13:03
they're funny. You think people have it together, whatever. And actually, they're going crazy, too. I mean, we're all humans,
13:09
Daddy has a lot to do and fear. So that was that was from a state of fear that I would never be accepted or loved by anybody.
Nick 13:20
That's not what you felt like them. Now, you know, that it was coming from a place of right, because you've learned things. Oh, yeah, here's, but this is another thing. Like,
Nancy 13:30
we're going through it. We're talking. Did you think it was fear? No, no, no, no, she's
Nick 13:35
probably wondering what the fuck is going on. It just as you go on what I'm what I'm really getting to too is that man, we go through life and work consistently learning. And I think for you, I can tell you this, from where you've been to where you are now, just being there and experiencing that, obviously, the growth or whatever you want to call it, awakening, whatever. The bottom line is, is that I think we're fucking learning till the day we die. Or at least if you choose to, you don't have to get good. You can just give up and be an asshole for the rest of your life. But I think as you go, you want to stay curious and stay learning. So I think the thing of fear is what's coming out now you're realizing that wasn't necessarily then you're just,
14:16
yeah, I have at one point, of course, much later on. In years, I became an artist. And it all comes from the experiences of my life. And one of my art pieces is me standing in a great light, because I've discovered and I've seen what is controlled my life and it was all based on fear and I put all kinds of things but I had to break free from that. I have to constantly give a check on that because I can be fearful and
Nick 14:52
yeah, it's it's figuring out what it is and then realizing it, knowing it is at least the first thing so you guys are married at seven tene you get married because you feel that nobody else is going to even want you. You go ahead for a few years you wind up getting pregnant with with with my older brother. And as all this is going on now, this is the part that really interests me because this is now where the impact starts or in our lives is in between there now. Dad starts going to a church, right? Yeah. And then you're not going to the church?
15:27
Oh, absolutely not. I don't want to bring anything down or
Nick 15:33
trying to point fingers or do anything we should say that it was a tumultuous relationship. We can say that you guys really weren't getting along. First of all, you're teenagers. You're pregnant. You're living probably his his parents were probably controlling his life. Yes. They were probably in your relationship. Because that's I know how how things were very strong family. You were part of that you were in the middle of it. You probably weren't liked as much as some of that could have been perception. You know what I mean? Like, but maybe not. It is what it is the way she's seen, not the way she saw it.
16:06
So you already had it was a strong Italian family that I'm married in. And usually, the mom wants for her son what she wants. Oh, yeah. And I was not hidden. I was not it.
Nick 16:24
Fair enough. We have a very interesting thing in common is that when I married Nancy, coming from her Puerto Rican heritage, that I was not it for them. And I think up until recently was still not it. Even after 34 fucking years. So I get that. Wow. Isn't that interesting? Yeah, we do have something in common. Yeah, yeah. There's a learning moment for you
Nancy 16:49
guys want good getting along? And then he wants a church?
16:54
Well, here's, here's how they happen because he loved his women. I'm just gonna say love just women. And when I found out that, I was really heartbroken.
Nick 17:07
When you were heartbroken. He went to church in the church was his aunt and uncle. Yes. In the church was his mom and dad. Yes. In the church was his brother. So his brother and their wife? Yeah. So it was a lot of family that was already involved with a lot
17:24
of family. And I wouldn't. I was in the mode of dislike, extreme dislike, hate things that because let's face it, yeah. So
Nick 17:37
preservation thing says
Nancy 17:39
go to church
17:39
prior to this. I don't know. Okay.
Nick 17:42
So that's a good question. How about grandma and grandpa? Were they religious people before then?
17:48
I mean, I was raised in a Lutheran church. Yeah, I'm saying, but I didn't attend church. I didn't. It was a Pentecostal church. It was an old time Pentecostal church, that they were talking about the church that I was raised in. No, no. I'm talking about your dad. The church that your dad in your grandma and grandpa, on your on your
Nick 18:12
previous previous to to Bethany? Yes. Okay. Interesting.
Nancy 18:17
They went to church prior to that. Oh, no, that, by the way. Yeah.
18:21
As a matter of fact, I went a couple of times there when I was pregnant with Bobby.
Nick 18:27
So what made them switch? Then? What made them go into this church?
18:32
Do you know do you know? I really don't know.
Nick 18:36
years old and wanted to get away from me.
18:38
And I didn't know about church splits or, yeah, you know, offenses, and then people go off and make their own church and all that kind of stuff. So that's possible that it could happen that your dad and uncle, she was the organist at the church and did a lot was very close with the pastor and his wife. And then I decided that I was going to get a divorce.
Nick 19:06
So we're mixing a couple things. I know, you're mixing a couple things. We're talking about the church that they had gone to before Bethany? Yes, that that was they decided to leave that church and go to Bethany? Yes. Okay. Okay. So once they were go, have you had
Nancy 19:22
your oldest son right already? Let's see.
19:25
Bobby. Yes. She
Nick 19:27
would have had Bobby Yes, she would have had him because I started going to. She had me and I started going there. Because I started going
Nancy 19:36
I was kind of it almost seemed like she only had the one son when this was two, but you only had two and then
19:43
I had the Anthony Anthony was about six months old when I started going, but Okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah. So, Bobby, used to come to me all the time. And he used to say, Mom, please come No church wants to come to church with us. He was four years old.
Nancy 20:03
Those kids do it to you. I'll tell ya, he did grab you. Were to grab you. Yeah.
20:09
So I was in the hate mode with the Father. Because of father. Yeah. Because of all that he had done to me, painful things running around and stuff like that. And while I couldn't be unkind to my son, I love my son. Here. He's four years old, and he's pulling at my heartstrings. He's wanting the best for me, he's wanting me to, to get help for me. And because I smoked, he was so cute. We had this kind of, I guess it was a Bible book. And he would bring it to me because there was a picture of a smoker's lung and a doctor and how bad it was. And he wanted to help me genuinely. And later on, I found out that the his Sunday school teacher, every Sunday, pray for me every Sunday, and really, really worked, because I loved my son. And I really didn't want to get a divorce from death. I loved his debt, so much, but there was so much pain there. And so I decided I was going to get a divorce in that mindset, and in that situation, that timeframe. His dad then knew that it was serious about getting a divorce. So he started going to churches and said that the only way is to come to church and start praying for your wife. And he did.
Nick 21:41
And that was it. So then after that happens, you you wind up going to church, and you wind up, staying where you are as you wind up really getting into church. And so as you're moving forward and progressing, big time in church, there's some problems that are happening within the church. As far as leadership is concerned, his aunt and uncle and grandma and grandpa, they're not seeing things the same way. And the church is getting a little bit deeper into their staunch beliefs. And it's not that they don't necessarily believe in what is being said at the pulpit as much as there's some personal conflict going on. Exactly. So then grandma and grandpa wind up leaving. Yeah, and they wind up going to another church. And then what would be my great aunt and uncle want to be part of this ministry?
22:32
But they say but they they love to and started their own church well,
Nick 22:36
because they wanted to be part of the ministry where they were and that wasn't being allowed. Is that the way I see it? I mean, this is this sort of the way that I've written the story they wind up leaving and they wind up starting their own church in their home in their home right in the basement I remember it clearly. galleons Yeah. Fucking Italians. And I remember it right it's just a couple people. I know you don't remember it because you didn't go to it but
23:03
I used to hide in the car park down and watch this
Nick 23:08
is the stories that we've told
Nancy 23:09
like i i Will you do you do remember some of the stuff
Nick 23:14
like I'm my memory goes back a long way not only did you hide in cars in watch but we chase we change well, in whatever and then
Nancy 23:23
what is going so good here people
23:26
well it because I found out that my your father started fooling around with one of the young girls because I don't was it you that came over Anthony came home. Guess where we were mom? Yep. I said I don't know sweetie, where were you? We were at his house or we were
Nick 23:50
trying to not say
Nancy 23:53
the other woman.
23:54
Yeah. Anyway, she she long has apologized in and said she was sorry about it. But you know, then the chase pursued
Nick 24:04
Yeah, and I remember as a kid literally chasing with the your friends in the car and we're told to get down because it was funny. We were told to get down as kids but then they were adults standing straight up like if they saw them they wouldn't see us or I don't know why it was just so fucking stupid to begin crazy. But anyways, so this is where the fight ensues and this is what I'm starting to go through. It was a back and forth between two churches and two factions that as Christians I thought it was a fucking joke. Because here are these people are teaching love and teaching, acceptance and everything but yet they're fighting amongst each other. And what they're actually doing is they're tearing families apart, not building families. They're tearing them apart. And I think this is part of the sort of the erosion in my mind, which I know now I didn't know then, as a kid, that this is where my insecurities and my fear and my distrust just completely goes out the window because now I'm just I see this and, and I remember you guys used to say all the time, this has nothing to do with your kids and that couldn't have been farther from the truth because this had everything to do with us. You guys were being selfish and you were, you were thinking of yourselves. It was just hurting me and who's right and who's wrong. And in the middle of the fucking kids, here's the kids in the middle of it all, literally. And I remember times, down stairways and hallways literally being pulled arm and arm like a fucking Stretch Armstrong.
Nancy 25:32
And you finally another Oh, yeah.
25:34
Oh, yeah. And the thing was, was that in my mind, I was trying to protect my children from what their dad it was. It was what he did to me. But I was trying in my mind's eye, I was trying to protect them and shield them, that their father could not harm them.
Nick 25:58
But but that but but that idea came from that idea came from you allowing others perspective seep into your mind, instead of you making choices for yourself. Because at that point, actually, at that point, you you were into the mode of complete brainwash, I mean, I'm not going to speak for you, but
26:19
I'll tell you this, okay. And I'll just run through a quick synopsis. We traveled from the hillside to Chicago, and I had a route and picked up kids for Sunday school and took them there and brought them home, brought them back home, going into their homes, getting them dressed. Okay, that was we went on the street. I mean, we did so many things, to reach people, and but you know, our children going out the back door, trying to work in the projects trying to from Monday, all the way, Monday, Tuesday,
Nick 27:02
seven days a week, eight days a week, we said it
27:05
two times on Sunday. And we thought that I thought bringing my children along with being being in the, in the atmosphere and in the church and around everybody that that was going to help them and protect them and lead them and make them better. People
Nick 27:25
think it's ironic that as parents, we we think that we know the best for our kids. And I'm not saying As parents, we shouldn't teach our kids some of the things that we believe are our morals or our the way we think but ultimately, we're going back to now what's happened with us with our son, I realized that that's, I don't want to say it's wrong. But we have to allow our kids to be themselves. We have to not be so staunch or whatever. No, I'm not saying let your kid do whatever, don't get me wrong, there's gonna be plenty of people who are going to make comments or whatever and say, you know that we're wrong, whatever, I don't give a fuck what they say, This is my experience. This is what I'm going through. And now this is what I know. Also, because it's coming from you, you you thought that this was the way this is what you had to do.
28:18
I told my third son, I said, Anthony, I said, if I could lock you in a bathroom, and feed you through the door to protect you, I thought was all my all the things that are going on in the world. At that time, it was sexual diseases that was on the forefront. And I didn't want them to get involved with other girls because I didn't know were who they were sleeping around with and everything. And so I said, Yeah, fear. And because here I am. And Nicki, you've told me this, and I've, I've heard your voice and Mom, you're supposed to be a woman of faith. Now, but if you don't walk it out, if you don't do what you say you believe what good is your faith? And that's, that's true.
Nancy 29:14
I have a question because you didn't want to go to this church at first. But yet, yes, the church that you didn't want to go to your now don't want to leave what exactly like, drew you to believe whatever this church was saying.
29:33
I separated a bit first of all, whatever I thought, my own perception of the Word of God in and all that I was going, I thought, well, who are you? You're not educated in this. You don't know. So who are you? And I could hear the sense that I should leave. But fear I always have afraid I was afraid to leave. I was afraid that
Nick 30:03
bargains against your better judge. Right? Your inner voice. Yeah. The one thing your
30:10
God, really he was trying me. That's
Nick 30:13
what I mean about this point. And I mean that
30:15
point. Yeah. In the beginning, and why I went there to in answer to your question. I separated Bob, because of my spiritual experience in my desperation when all of the mix was going on with their father. I was suicidal. I was a mixture of things. I was so filled with fear that if I left the church, or shocking a cult, yeah, that if I left the church because that's where I found renewal. That's where I find Yes, I found Yes. Okay. Yes. I, literally, one morning I was. And my, my experience is, at night, I was so filled with fear. I mean, I was shaking. And I was scared, and I could feel a presence in the room. And Bob was sleeping. And I kept trying to wake him up and trying to wake him up because I was afraid. And he was going, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I said, Okay. I said, What can I say alone? He's not going to help me. And so I started to pray. And I asked, I said, Look, I am a mess. I am suicide. I need a new life. I need a change. I need help. And this is what you're praying, this is what I'm praying. And he helped me. He reached out his hand he heard me. Jesus did. And he literally changed my life. Now, that doesn't mean the Italian No, no, it doesn't mean that my life then from then on became perfect. It seemed
Nancy 32:10
like but it happened. Yeah. And so when that happened to you and that touch because I mean, I had the same experience. Right? I went in there I went, and I can't deny that they can't deny what happened to was an experience that happened to you, then you felt hey, if it happened here, this must be a safe haven.
32:28
That's my family. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Absolutely.
Nancy 32:33
Someone listening to this would be like, yes, you didn't want to go there? Why would you? Wait, you're fighting this way? Do you really want your marriage to work or what? What's going on? So
Nick 32:43
it's funny, because this is the thing about reality than what you experienced. This actually saved your life. And in my case, it actually ruined my life. And unless we get to the point, and this is the whole point of this fucking podcast, about being fucking authentic, if we don't get to the point of actually realizing and knowing that we're all different, we all see things differently. We could be going through the same we're in the same place, hear the same thing goes through the same rituals, do whatever, but yet perceive it completely different. Something that saved your life, ruined my fucking life.
33:29
Okay, so let me interject there. I say this all the time. But God, I'm wondering in inspire people, and I know that that seems like you're crazy lady. But from where I came from, to where I am today, from where all of this happened, to where you are today to where you Nancy is today, to where other people are great coming from great darkness and confusion, and chaos. I mean, chaos, like Tasmanian devil, spinning around, there is God and there is hope. Because if God can change me, and put me on a journey of healing, for not only for myself, but for Nikki, Nancy, and my family are healing journey. And they're learning from their own experiences, because there are aha moments there or whatever you want to call it. Aha revelation, that God is involved in the mix, because I don't want to leave him out of that. And no matter if, if I was so involved in that, but he has so enlightened me to the truth because That's not the way. And when you when let's go back to the manual, I was 17, I didn't have a manual, that actually there is a manual. Because Jesus said Suffer the little children to come unto me. He was very protective of them. And he was very loving. So you're actually
Nick 35:19
a hypocrite in what you believe I was. And I mean, I'm saying that because then that's exactly what's being said. So you went against everything that you knew, because you listened to everybody else, right? Instead of yourself. Yes. This is really a good relation to me. Because the reality is, is that some people, you're saying that God helped you, and you believe that. And that's awesome. You can believe whatever you want to believe that's not, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. That's your belief. And you're a better person for that. And I will say that, just me hearing that, it that admission of I was in this dark place, and I was here and I did this wrong. And yes, I did not believe myself or have enough faith. That's all good. Like, I don't disagree. We're gonna have people on the show that believe, like, I believe, I believe God, whatever you want to. And I'm putting quotation marks, as I'm saying that everybody has their belief system, whatever that is, whether it's you speaking about God of the King James Version, Bible, whether it's someone that believes in Buddha, whether it's someone that what, what I don't give a shit, there are people like myself, who don't go to church at all. Doesn't mean I don't believe in God, I have my own personal relationship with God. That doesn't mean I'm right or wrong. That doesn't, but this is what's good for me. Right? Just like you have what's good for you.
36:51
Just because you go to church, and you sit yourself in a church building does not mean that you're a Christian, just like if I parked myself in a garage does not make me a car. So it's about it's about
Nick 37:08
this fucking insight come from Holy shit. Even thought it's
37:13
part of me coming into an understanding of what the truth is. And the truth is eight days a week doesn't mean no, no. Does not religious, it doesn't make you it doesn't make you a transformed person.
Nick 37:33
You have to understand one thing, this is obviously huge for for this woman. Because everything was about church. Right. But I think I still it. It's funny, because I still think that there's room for me personally, when I say I still think there's room for growth, right? Because I could say to her, and this is really none of my business because it's her journey. And she's doing it. But I'm, we're having a meta conversation here. She still goes around and tells everybody about God and wants to pray for them. And to me, I say, the fuck you doing? Some people, not everybody wants to hear that. But again, that's who she is. That's what she feels is her life right now. And so that's what she does. Just like for me. We don't go to church. I believe in God, I believe in my personal relationship. I believe that I have the power to do what's best for me. I make choices every day. I listened to my inner conscious, I listened to my spiritual being. And so some people will I will tell you, that you if I said that, I don't know, couple of years ago, you'd be like, Oh, no, that's God. Oh, no, blah, blah, blah. I'm not saying it's not I'm not saying it is. I'm saying that I make choices for myself, based off of what is my enlightenment and what I get from wherever, whatever it is, from experiences from the universe from, from hearing you say what you're saying right now. That's awesome to me. And then I say, Oh, well, there is room for improvement for anybody.
39:09
Well, you have to you have to face it, you have to make the choice. It's about choices. I chose to face it face my my giant face my fear face my you know what it really is the truth and then make changes. And I can't do it by myself. I still have struggles. We were talking this morning about I came to the conclusion that I am an addict. Now I'm not a drug addict. And I'm not in an alcoholic, but I'm a food addict. And I when I when I was afraid, or when I was struggling when it was
Nick 39:59
Gentlemen, welcome The Food Addicts Anonymous.
40:02
Hello, my name is Janet and I'm a food addict. But yeah, that's powerful. Any kind of addiction is powerful, and it has ruled the greater part of my life. I mean, I've suffered physically because of it. I mean, I was 230 pounds at one time, I'm not no longer that I'm probably under 107 Need Now, a tried it and, and life is a journey. It can be a roller coaster some time. And when I was afraid I would go to food when I was happy, I would go to food, when I was any kind of emotion. Emotions are so fickle in they're powerful, and they drive you in so many areas, and so many down so many roads. And believe me, I've been down many of those roads. And I've had to discipline, which I didn't have much of is self discipline. And I'd look at it in the face and say, No, you're not going to ruin my life.
Nick 41:09
Isn't it funny that you just said self discipline. And here I go, remembering back as a kid, the only thing when we would get our credit, credit card, credit card. And when I was a kid had a credit card, that was when we would get our report card. And the only thing that you would look at it was funny because it wasn't even so much about the grades, the one thing that it always consistently said was that I lacked self control, and discipline. And you would literally fucking rail me for that. And how funny it's something we would rail our kids at for something that we lacked ourselves. Because we probably don't want it for our kids. I mean, I get it. But it's just interesting to see and to hear even now, when you talk about addiction. It's funny, because wasn't that then ultimately, maybe what the church was you, you were always searching for something to satisfy something that you lacked? I mean, that's very interesting to see that throughout all those years. It was always done some form of addiction. Somebody may be making you feel better.
42:16
Oh dependents? Sure. Sure. Big time. Sure. Big, big.
Nick 42:22
And it's funny, because I remember and I'm gonna just say it out. I mean, it is what it is. Even for my dad, he always had to be with somebody, even to this day. That's not That's not derogatory. I'm saying that because that's a fact when you have to be with someone or dependent on someone all the time, because you don't feel that you have the means to do it yourself. So let's fast forward a little bit because we got through all that. So now today, right? Obviously, we went through this the churches, the occult, is a real fucking thing. The founders have since died, the place has been split apart, right? Yeah, you didn't even come to our wedding. You didn't want nothing to do with us. So there's a whole other backstory to that as well. We just don't have time for all that. And if people want enough to know and write in and want more, and we'll do more, but for right now for the sake of time. So we fast forward, we go through church, your fucked up all those years. I'm fucked up all those years. I marry this girl here. She now is dealing with my fucked up Ness even if that's a word, but I just made it up so I don't give a shit which bang again, my podcast my rules. But but so we go through this. We have a strained relationship throughout a lot of that time. It's very strained. It's on and it's off and you get out of the church and you wind up marrying some fucking nut job. He is who He is. Right? I'd say that because I thought of being right. Just a that's who I am. Right? I'm not even I'm love that man. Dude was cool. The dude was cool. As far as I was concerned. It doesn't matter. He was cool. As far as I was concerned. He was totally different than my dad. By the way. When I say fucking nutjob he's just totally different than my dad. You know what I mean? There's just whatever. But anyway, then you wind up getting rid of that dude. And your relationship is strained with a couple of my brothers even to this day. I mean, we have some issues. We've at least come to a mutual understanding of a relationship of what a relationship should be. It's I don't, it's not like I'm always my mom, my mom, my mom, let's be honest. Every Mother's Day I give funny cards. It's not like it's all lovey dovey and whatever, not because I don't love or because it's just, that's our relationship. Now things happened. But yet we can still be adults and fucking communicate and know that we're human beings. So we get forward to this. You wind up getting rid of this guy. You don't ever get married again. And you're, she's like, well, I know.
44:49
I have to deal with us. Well, and I have enough to deal with on my own with my own life.
Nick 44:57
So whoever can understand that we can understand that That's good, right? This whole touch someone and this podcast alone can touch like 50 million fucking people right differently. But that's life, right? That's just the way it is.
45:10
I have never allowed myself even to think that I could possibly get into a relationship because of all that I've dealt with. But as laid in you don't know this, nobody knows this. So now it's going ladies
Nick 45:25
and gentlemen, we are now going into a different realm. I actually
45:29
gave myself permission that, you know, if I sat down and wrote what the person would need to be, for me, they would have to be spontaneous, they would have to love the things nature and travel. Yeah, basically. But loving people, loving God and loving people, because that's who I love God, and I love people, I can talk to anybody in the grocery line, whatever. But and that was because when I first really started getting serious with my art, He, God told me, that whoever I connect you with are the ones that I want you to splash my love on and share your art and love on them all along. For now, for years, I've traveled in my little nissan versa. And all over the United States from Illinois to
Nick 46:33
she literally does this. This is real. She literally lives in her little Nissan Versa. Yeah, she literally has it built out like a little camper. People say Wow, your mind you did. Look, dude, she's doing what she does, she's free. She loves to do it. She's going around, she'll do it probably to the day she dies, I don't know,
Nancy 46:54
maybe, and maybe until her legs.
Nick 46:57
But I'm just saying like this is where I want to get now, as we're starting to get a little bit to the end of this is that you never know what life is going to hold for you. I never would have thought that I'm sitting here, having a discussion right now on a podcast with my wife for 34 years. And my mom who, as a child, I felt very abused and not protected, abandoned. That's not how I feel today. That comes from me changing my perception and how I look at things. But that also comes from the person who that happened from to recognize what I did go through and also speak the truth for yourself, which ultimately you should be doing first, right is taking care of yourself so that you can be on this journey. And you can then by helping yourself first be able to then help other people. Because you could go around and you can you can be a healer, you can be Benny Hinn, I don't give a shit. You could go around, touching everyone's lives. But if you're not healed yourself, it's all bullshit. Exactly. Because in this world right now it's about it is about us. I remember as a kid, because I remember a lot of things you used to say all the time, especially when I came back after you had kicked me out at 13. And we didn't even get into that and didn't go into that and your perception of that. And while you were beating my ass the times you said you were doing that because you wanted to beat the foolishness out of me, which I thought you had said that you were doing it to spare the rod and spoil the child. But besides all of that, because those are things that
48:38
that we hold, boy, there's so many things.
Nick 48:42
There's so many things, but then we're back to what it is today and how the growth has happened. Instead of looking at the past, and I think that's part of this big time is this. If you consistently dwell on the past, you're never going to fucking heal
48:57
forward, never get cancer,
Nick 49:00
you're never going to you're never going to move forward if you keep looking at the past. And if you're always looking at the future, you're going to be fucking anxious all the time. And I think one of the things that Nancy and I are going to talk about a lot on this podcast is being in the moment. Yes, right now we're having a moment. And I hope that everybody that's listening, can feel that this is a good thing. And I think that people should be inspired by this. We encourage people to talk to us about where they're at. We want people to submit their stories to us. And we want to get you on here. And we want you to tell your story just as well, because I think that all of these stories are going to resonate. You're not going to every story is not going to resonate with you, but it will resonate with someone
49:44
well and to give an example, I thought many years ago I always loved the art but many years ago, I didn't know how art and my life how that was going to mix how that was going to work. work, but, but God knows. And like I'm driving down the highway I have to go to the bathroom I pull off on an exit. On one side of the highway is a beautiful truck stop on the other side of the highway. Beautiful truck stop. Well, a really, really nice view in my head. I was seeing some
Nick 50:21
beautiful trucks. I mean, rolling over a person living on the road. Beautiful trucks.
50:28
So anyway, so on the other side where I pulled off with a ram shackled one. There was all under construction. It was confusing. Which one do I go to the ramshackle one? I go in the bathroom. There's
Nick 50:42
just I'm sorry. I have to what the fuck is Ram shackled?
50:46
It's my
Nick 50:47
okay. I just thought maybe someone's gonna say what the someone's going to ask what the fuck is rancher
50:54
shackling? It's my mic might be a word. Look it up. So go ahead. Definition. Yeah, as Google. And there's a woman in the bathroom, she's brushing her teeth, and she's apologizing to me. I said, Honey, don't even worry, you're a woman, you're by yourself, you got to do what you got to do. Don't even worry about it. Well, we wound up talking. I said, cuz it snapped in my head. I said, Because you You do realize that if you're traveling, you're really not alone. Because you have a heavenly Father that sees you. You are not hidden. He loves you, you need to know that. And I'm telling you that. And that's what he wants me to do is to just encourage people to know, I wound up praying for her. And she's she said to me, and almost 95% of the people telling me after they've had this experience this thing with me, well, not with me, with Christ, using me through me. She said you absolutely do not know what you have done for me. And I can tell you, like I said, 95% of the time. That's what people tell me. And I I laugh sometimes. And I say, Would you please I hold up my phone. I says, Would you please record that on my phones? Go back and tell my kids so I can play them back? Yeah, exactly.
Nick 52:24
Yeah, well, and that's all cool. And I think that your journey, you're expressive in what you do. And I can say that, I appreciate the fact that you found your strengths to come here to share a little bit of your story with us, I've definitely found out a couple things that that I didn't know, which is awesome. I just want to encourage people, you may be going through something from your past or whatever it is. But remember, man, we're we're all fucking human beings. And we we are not perfect by any means. There's always room for forgiveness. And if there's something that you're struggling with, it's in your time, nobody can be forced to forgive, you should never feel forced, there can be some things that are done to you from some asshole that truly doesn't deserve forgiveness. But so I get that. But these are one of those instances. Look, I never, I didn't have to forgive, you know, don't don't think for a minute that I forgot. Because I still live with fucking torment, in that net torment in the sense of what I used to. But yeah, I questioned where I come from and where I why I do things I do. But the bottom line is if I want to truly move forward and truly be a better person, for myself, and then to inspire others, I had to do that. I just like I said, I appreciate you coming on, I know you're a little leery,
53:53
I am so thankful because I have to say, I was afraid.
53:58
That fear, yes, that fear, that fear of
54:02
what the podcast would be because many people do not know, my past. They know me now is a sweet little loving granny and all of that they only know me by what I am today. They don't know of anything of what my past was. So I was afraid.
Nick 54:25
So I'm going to speak to those people directly. And I will say that if who she was at in her past is a reflection. It's not a reflection of who she is today. But if that would be a deciding factor of whether or how you looked at her, then you're truly not your friend anyway. That's that fear. And that's those feelings and those are those things that we build up in our mind that aren't true. Those people don't deserve to be in your life period. So,
54:56
and I don't I mean, that would be a point. Zero 1% of people like not a real mathematician machine.
Nick 55:07
Yeah. Hopefully you guys enjoyed it. We'll talk to you guys soon. Adios.